occultation

my mind, what can i say about it? it’s scrambled, it’s fried. breaking promises to myself. i’m sailing on empty seas.

this time, i’m going to let my insecurities get the best of me. i want to feel every nerve in my body. i want to feel the heat. the pressure. the sting. let the needle draw the blood. let society frown. i’ll take a true frown over a false smile any day. so go ahead, take your masks off and show your core. show your soul, spill it out on the sidewalk for all of the world to see.

your life is a three ring circus. you’re the clown. paint your face on while the crowd laughs. they’re not hard to please.

i want to be a statistic.
i want to be rejected.
i want to be left alone.

I have a cigarette burn on the inside of my arm.

I think it’s nice, I think I like getting burned.

I’m in that kind of mood again tonight.

If it weren’t so cold, I would sneak out to the railroad tracks. I would, but it’s freezing like winter, so I might spend the night on my roof, wrapped in blankets.

yeah, you know.
it’s just that kind of night.
it’s just that kind of miserable feeling again.

With every pulse, I can see another little bead arise from my skin.

These ugly scars bring on a sort of lachrymose beauty.

I’m not ashamed.

“So, what are you doing tonight?”
“Nothing, really.”
“Oh. That’s disappointing.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s a Friday night.”

A conversation between me and my boyfriend over the phone. Is it wrong that sometimes I like to stay in on a Friday or Saturday night? My boyfriend, his name is Dan, he has a clump of friends that all hang out with each other all the time. There’s about 8 of them in this group. Myself, I keep a smaller yet more intimate circle of about 2-4 friends. But I dislike the monotony of hanging out with them constantly. I can only spend so much time with any certain person. After a while, I find myself getting bored of them (sad to say, but it’s the truth). And of the few friends that I do have, one of them likes to go out and party all the time and I like to stay in and keep it small. I don’t do drugs and I don’t really make a big deal out of drinking. It’s enjoyable, but I can do without it. So there’s no sense to call her on the weekends if I’m not looking to party, which is all that she does. My other friends, we’re really close. We have tons of classes in school and plenty of time to hang out with each other. I don’t want to make myself get annoyed by someone from spending too much time with them. I’ll feel smothered. So to me, it makes absolute sense that I’ll stay home alone or go on walks or explore by myself. I’m independent. I can find things to entertain myself with. It’s not like I’m sitting here being unproductive, I’m learning and designing and feeding my brain without having to be interrupted.

I mean, that’s not “disappointing”, right? It sounds pretty normal to me. In fact, I think it’s weird that Dan has to always be hanging out with someone. It makes me think that he’s interdependent on his friends.

Just a few thoughts on my current situation. I’m not upset, just allowing myself the benefit of putting my thoughts out in the open instead of them being whisked away by my short term memory.